Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

  • Mood:

Fearful one

I think Galaxy Gold is growing on me.

Yesterday was tough. Emotional drama (the legitimate kind) at the office, although I was only there for a half-day. Even being a spectator takes its toll-- it's easier to be a soldier than a civilian in a war zone, I think.

If I were to be married, I think I'd be yelled at for being "emotionally unavailable." Ironically, my response to strong emotion may come from being too in tune with others' feelings. Gift and curse. I react in fear, pulling back to avoid being beat up or sucked in. Outbursts feel like insanity to me. If I lost control, I fear I'd never find my way back. Just writing about it makes me sick to my stomach.

Sometimes I wish I couldn't look back, even short term. Guilt, shame, and regret are hard. I need Jesus desperately today.
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