Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

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Feeling limited, LTD

Struggling with feeling especially limited and pressed just now. Think the feeling is partially because I built up Easter as a "finish line" of sorts, since there's always a pretty hefty workload up until then, and our own calendars tend to be full of stuff around this time as well. So I'm used to running hard until Easter, after which I've had the luxury of pushing back from the proverbial table for a time while I recharge. This year, that doesn't seem as feasible on any front, and I probably should have realized that sooner and moved my mental "finish line" accordingly (though God only knows where it would go) rather than running so hard toward a false hope of rest.

I don't feel like enough for what anything or anyone needs or wants from me right now, and while I realize that's mostly just in my head, it's heavy. I don't like disappointing anyone (including me), let alone everyone. Further, I realize that, while my perspective is skewed by weariness, it's probably spot-on on a fundamental level—I'm not enough. That's not the role I'm designed to fill. Internally, I should be drawing on God's resources to be faithful in whatever He has prepared in advance for me to do, but instead, I don't trust Him any more than anyone else and want to push Him away as well. Externally, I'm not here to "save" anything or anyone—God Himself holds that station (if I can't get that through my skull at Easter…well, then my skull is exactly as thick as it often seems to be). There is only One who is sufficient, and I'm not Him.

So it's a feeling: not a feeling that undoes any of the reality of the universe, and not one that should color all of my perceptions and relationships (no one else is responsible for it!), but one that's kind of heavy. And, as is often the case with these feelings of mine, it's made just a bit lighter by taking the time to sort through it a bit in writing. I'm so painfully aware of my limits (the ones I'm not smacking into with my face because I'm not yet aware of them, that is), but one of the upsides of that is that my feelings are likewise limited. They can't undo what God wants to do.
Tags: god, rest, struggle, trust, work, writing
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