Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Hating hiatuses

Woke to a "we're taking a hiatus from church" email in my inbox. Hate that. Feels a bit like a gut punch every time.

Not that I have any real concern for our church's overall health—we're growing, not shrinking, and more people are connected to Community Groups and the like than ever before. And it's not my role to shepherd the congregation; God has called others to that duty. It's hard to articulate well what bothers me when people "take a break." Some of it is simply the feeling of being left and/or not being enough (which varies, of course, based on how close to someone I am); some of it is because I believe "breaks" from fellowship miss the mark of what we're called to. And as I've said before, seeing someone leave in order to be part of another congregation isn't nearly so troubling as the amorphous walk-aways—at least you're still acting as if you're part of the Body, even if I'll miss you.

One of the ways being part of the Church is hard for me is that I don't want to care whether you stay or go. "Do what you do." But I do care, and I hate that others can make me feel like crap by breaking fellowship. I should probably be thankful instead—not that people leave or "go on hiatus," but that I still care if they do.

I'm just tired of having sadness be such a regular part of my experience with others in the Church. I have trouble even trusting relationships anymore, because part of me sees others and says, "No matter how good of a game you may be talking right now, I don't know if or when you're going to flake out on me. And if that happens, you won't even give it or me a second thought."
Tags: relationships, struggle, the church
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