Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Rules of engagement (this is so not about Dan Savage)

This is a sign of how badly my week is going.

Not really, but how could I resist a nugget like that one? That said, the week has been a bit of a struggle, mostly internally. There's the ongoing problem of never having enough time (which isn't really a statement on time, as I have just as much as everyone else, but rather an outworking of my constant rebellion against being limited). And in relationships, I feel like it's tougher and tougher for me to understand others.

This is especially evident when people act (or don't act) in ways they know affect me, but don't seem to really engage me in explaining what happened and why. My desire in that missing engagement isn't (I hope) to have others justify themselves to me—often we can't, and that's how things work in relationships—but to be treated as worthy of that explanation and dialogue. It's tough relational work that takes digging, vulnerability, and trust. It communicates value to me, and it's better when offered than when pursued. I certainly don't expect it across the board, but when it feels absent in closer relationships, I have a hard time.

The feeling gets overblown in my head, though, and colors lots of things it shouldn't, which is why it's so important to have the regular check of engaging with others and talking about it. Though I do want to have some kind of gravity in the lives of those close to me, the world doesn't revolve around me. It's just a tiring thing to chase, and it's such a gift when it's given.
Tags: gads, relationships, struggle

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