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GADS

Rules of engagement (this is so not about Dan Savage)

This is a sign of how badly my week is going.

Not really, but how could I resist a nugget like that one? That said, the week has been a bit of a struggle, mostly internally. There's the ongoing problem of never having enough time (which isn't really a statement on time, as I have just as much as everyone else, but rather an outworking of my constant rebellion against being limited). And in relationships, I feel like it's tougher and tougher for me to understand others.

This is especially evident when people act (or don't act) in ways they know affect me, but don't seem to really engage me in explaining what happened and why. My desire in that missing engagement isn't (I hope) to have others justify themselves to me—often we can't, and that's how things work in relationships—but to be treated as worthy of that explanation and dialogue. It's tough relational work that takes digging, vulnerability, and trust. It communicates value to me, and it's better when offered than when pursued. I certainly don't expect it across the board, but when it feels absent in closer relationships, I have a hard time.

The feeling gets overblown in my head, though, and colors lots of things it shouldn't, which is why it's so important to have the regular check of engaging with others and talking about it. Though I do want to have some kind of gravity in the lives of those close to me, the world doesn't revolve around me. It's just a tiring thing to chase, and it's such a gift when it's given.

Comments

It's better for you when offered because it is indeed less tiring. But just as it communicates value to you when explanations are offered, it communicates value to me to have someone chase and try to understand ... especially because I am private and have a ridiculously difficult time opening up to anyone. That sense of value helps me to trust enough to open up to the person. It's not an excuse for being aloof, because I can understand how tiring it would be to constantly chase ... especially when there are many relationships. It is, however, an explanation of behaviour.

Just an interesting aside (maybe only to me), I just discovered that LJ doesn't like my spelling of behaviour. According to online dictionaries, that's the British way to spell it and apparently, LJ is only fond of American English.
It helps to hear this, even if only a bit. My issue may be related to limits, too—maybe I just can't have this many relationships if I have to be the pursuer in so many. Regardless, I'm sure it's not simply a problem that others bring to relationship with me; if I'm experiencing it this much, then I'm definitely part of my issue.

Thanks for giving this.