Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

Logs vs. reflection: logging off from daily logs

Tried keeping daily logs for my own reference for a few weeks, documenting who I saw, what I did, and so on, but it just ended up being a pain. While I don't like not being able to remember stuff, this cure was more trouble than the disease. If I forget, that's going to have to be OK. Not like I ever looked back at them anyway.

Any pressure I feel to know or remember everything is likely self-imposed. Since I was a kid, one of the only things that ever felt like it set me apart is that I knew stuff. When I rely on that to save me—from disapproval, from feeling inadequate, from not being able to make decisions or fix things—it's an idol. "I don't know" needs to be a much larger part of my vocabulary if I'm to be real, sane, and spend my life doing anything other than answering questions. Sometimes others are going to be uncomfortable with that answer, but I probably think that's a bigger deal for them than it really is. No one is looking to me for salvation, after all, and if they are, they probably need to stop anyway.

Some kind of regular exercise in reflection, however, would be good, keeping my eyes on my life and placing it in perspective. Otherwise, it quickly devolves into a set of appointments and to-dos, and all I want is to be done with them. I need to address questions like these:
  • With whom am I spending time? Who is important to me? How am I loving and honoring them?
  • What's working well? What's failing or falling short? What factors are contributing to this?
  • How am I spending time and money? Does that match my values?
  • Where am I avoiding pain/seeking pleasure in ways that undermine God's purposes and my values?
  • For what am I grateful? How am I expressing my gratitude?
  • Where am I serving? How can I serve better?

I'm already challenged by some of the answers that spring to mind. There's no discipline, system, or magic pill that will make everything work, but getting back to fundamentals and seeking some rhythm seem to be good next steps.
Tags: discipline, logs, relationships, salvation, struggle
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