Spent more time at the movie theater in the last couple of weeks than I have in ages. The list:
- WALL•E (at Cinerama with barlow_girl, velouria73, and Carrie)
- The Incredible Hulk (at the Metro with barlow_girl)
- When Did You Last See Your Father? (at Seven Gables with barlow_girl)
- Hellboy II: The Golden Army (solo at the Metro)
Mulling a bunch of life focus stuff all at once, which doesn't feel like it's getting me much of anywhere at all (at least, not quickly). Decisions are tough—when I choose x, I'm not choosing a-w, y, or z. Obvious, but challenging nonetheless. I tend to want to find ways to hybridize the options, and often there are possibilities to do so, but it makes evaluating the choices all the more difficult. What I want should also be informed by my values and my context, but often there's a part of me that just wants what I want, period. That part can be extremely selfish and cunningly subtle. tugging me along without my conscious awareness.
So Romans 7:7-25 is in full effect, and it gets especially tricky when deciding between "good" and "best." There's also a categorical shorthand that's deeply rooted and difficult to suspend—assumptions that some choices are "better" without really unpacking them and examining whether that's true.
What I'm just beginning to realize—and very tempted to back away from, because it's scary—is that lots of my functional values don't match my conscious values at all. I don't want to admit my laziness, my greed, my insecurity, and dozens of other ugly things that drive me far more than they should. Further, I also don't know that I can trust the opposite pendulum swing, to simply make choices that seem noble without really examining them. And the very last thing I want to do is just wallow, wallow, wallow "in the tension," because I've too often seen that be a cop out to full-blown self-absorption. Yuck.
Romans 7:24-25 has the answer: "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." But the how of it is very much a mystery, one I must be willing to trust beyond my ability to understand. Just like Him.