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Giving in

Yet now hear, Jacob my servant, and Israel, who I have chosen: Thus says Yahweh who made you, and formed you from the womb, who will help you: Don't be afraid, Jacob my servant; and you, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on him who is thirsty, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit on your seed, and my blessing on your offspring: and they shall spring up among the grass, as willows by the watercourses.
-Isaiah 44:1-4

Skipped Men's Prayer; I just didn't feel like praying with others this morning. I'm having difficulty deciding how to use my time. Bigger than that, actually: how to invest myself. When do I hold back and hold up, and when do I give myself away?

I harbor a lot of resentment about the demands I feel on my time from others. I fear I'm being robbed of precious, limited resource, often for things (or, dare I even admit, people) I find meaningless. Not only does this delve into selfishness, it is counterproductive as well: the demands persist and resentment builds.

What if I give up and give myself over to it all? The fight for my time may well be making me more tired than giving up the time itself. If I could find a way to enjoy giving my time and myself away, the door could potentially open to much joy in my life. What if I wasn't afraid of being dried up?

I'm afraid. To change even a little means trusting God to refresh me, to give me a spring living water. I've been trying to hoard the few drops of water I have-- they aren't enough to quench my thirst, yet I'm so afraid of losing the little I possess. I'm the man who buries the talents given to me to invest.

I don't want to suddenly be a raging extrovert; I just don't want to be ruled by fear. And I'm tired-- retreating isn't working to make me less so. There's a lot going on here and my writing isn't doing it justice. I need God to sort out my heart.

Into Your hands I commit my spirit...

But I am poor and needy. Come to me quickly, God. You are my help and my deliverer, Yahweh, don't delay.
-Psalm 70:5


As Larry reminds me. . .during the emergency instructions on an airplane, we are told that if we have someone with us requiring assistance, we need to place our own oxygen mask in place, and then assist our companions.

You're no good to anyone if you can't breathe.
Larry is wise-- I used the same illustration in counseling students. In my case, however, I'm starting to wonder if my desire for time for myself has become an idol. I'm an introvert by preference and I think that's ok, even beautiful, but not to the point of trusting my preferences more than I trust God.

Ironically, Isaiah 44 discusses idols and the foolishness of the man who carves and worships a piece of the same wood he uses to make a fire. My introversion and time to myself could be seen similarly: a good thing for its intended purpose in me, but a silly thing to worship.