Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

Giving in

Yet now hear, Jacob my servant, and Israel, who I have chosen: Thus says Yahweh who made you, and formed you from the womb, who will help you: Don't be afraid, Jacob my servant; and you, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on him who is thirsty, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit on your seed, and my blessing on your offspring: and they shall spring up among the grass, as willows by the watercourses.
-Isaiah 44:1-4

Skipped Men's Prayer; I just didn't feel like praying with others this morning. I'm having difficulty deciding how to use my time. Bigger than that, actually: how to invest myself. When do I hold back and hold up, and when do I give myself away?

I harbor a lot of resentment about the demands I feel on my time from others. I fear I'm being robbed of precious, limited resource, often for things (or, dare I even admit, people) I find meaningless. Not only does this delve into selfishness, it is counterproductive as well: the demands persist and resentment builds.

What if I give up and give myself over to it all? The fight for my time may well be making me more tired than giving up the time itself. If I could find a way to enjoy giving my time and myself away, the door could potentially open to much joy in my life. What if I wasn't afraid of being dried up?

I'm afraid. To change even a little means trusting God to refresh me, to give me a spring living water. I've been trying to hoard the few drops of water I have-- they aren't enough to quench my thirst, yet I'm so afraid of losing the little I possess. I'm the man who buries the talents given to me to invest.

I don't want to suddenly be a raging extrovert; I just don't want to be ruled by fear. And I'm tired-- retreating isn't working to make me less so. There's a lot going on here and my writing isn't doing it justice. I need God to sort out my heart.

Into Your hands I commit my spirit...

But I am poor and needy. Come to me quickly, God. You are my help and my deliverer, Yahweh, don't delay.
-Psalm 70:5

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