Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Mysteries of grace

Just up from yet another dream trying to fix the past. There are a few places I gravitate back to when I do this, probably because those memories are so much clearer than others I might wrestle with. One of the things that rattled me a bit this time was how willing I was in the dream for barlow_girl and I to pick up and leave our life in Seattle—upon awakening, I'd never want us to do this. But maybe there's part of me that just wants redemption of what I think is broken, regardless of the cost to today.

This weekend, we worked a bit on laying the groundwork for Amy to move in here once we're married. While it's fun to think about, it's also a bracing shot of what it practically tastes like for us to die to ourselves while becoming something new. In so many ways (and this is by no means an original observation), marriage seems to be about grace. It is, of course, a gift given out of God's grace, and we also believe it to be a reflection of His grace to His Church. Further, it brings us to a place where we have to face our need of His grace, to the end of ourselves and what we can do in our own strength. As a single man, I've had plenty of places where I could retreat from that truth, but marriage assaults those strongholds and brings me face to face with my unvarnished self. It's far from the only thing God uses to do this kind of sanctifying work on us, and certainly not a necessary one, but He does use it uniquely and clearly. And I don't pretend to understand it all—like many other aspects of God's grace, at some point it is simply a mystery to which I must submit myself. Because it's true.

Tonight we're off to a wine tasting after work at the Canlises (of Canlis Restaurant fame). It feels a little odd to briefly slide into a lifestyle for which others might aggressively strive and grasp, but that's just another picture of grace. It should be a lovely time with friends, and it will be fun to learn more.
Tags: amy, dreams, friends, grace, home, marriage, nostalgia, paradox, struggle, truth

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