Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

Rest and re-creation

Want to find a way to shake off this feeling of being run into the ground. Sure, my schedule's been full, but realistically, that's just the way things are and are going to be. And it feels like I'm always whining about it, if not externally then internally. Fact is, a lot of people manage a lot more than I do all the time.

Worse, sometimes I get so tapped out that when I do get some downtime, I shut down without doing anything refreshing or making any headway in keeping up with life's everyday chores. It's gross, and I don't want to become like my father, who will just sit and sit and sit to the detriment of everything and everyone in his life (including himself).

Perhaps the biggest front of the battle is internal. My default mode is to try to get out of things rather than to engage them. Tasks are problems to be solved so that they'll go away and let me be; sometimes people are, too. Doesn't seem like a healthy way to approach the world, and it's not something I'm excited to bring into a marriage.

All that said, I also don't want to give any of that more power than it really has. Just writing it out and naming it is a real load off my chest. Sometimes the answers are found in thinking differently, sometimes in doing differently. Also, it's important to constantly recognize that I'm a man in need of salvation. That, by definition, comes from outside myself. This clay needs shaping.

And I believe what I believe is what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
I did not make it, no it is making me
I said I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man

—Rich Mullins, Creed
Tags: struggle, the gospel
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