Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

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Fade to black

On the way home yesterday, thought about how I doubted I could successfully go back to my old line of work in higher education anymore, even if there were an open door. I feel plainly and simply too old for the front-line work, and navigating the agendas and back-room politics of upper administration is too maddening to be worthwhile.

As if to punctuate the latter point, this morning brings news of more of the same from my last institution. This kind of garbage is hardly exclusive to Jesuit institutions, but it adds a texture that's all the more sinister and repulsive.

Still, it's strange to realize that a competency has vanished, that I can no longer effectively do something at which I once excelled. That's life, of course—it's not the first to slip and likely won't be the last. I'm just not who I was, and I have to try not to see that as a failure. In some respects, I never was who I hoped to be, and maybe that's the kind of thing I can only come to grips with over time. Letting go of heroes is hard, and perhaps none so difficult as myself.
Tags: nostalgia, paradox, struggle
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