Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

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Trigger

Feels a lot better to get back in the swing of things. Last week I decided yesterday would be my Easter Recovery Day (a necessity in church work). But I had a rotten morning experience that really threw me into a tailspin, so the day off generally sucked and I'm glad to get back to my routine.

A recurring pattern in my life: something happens (I often don't know what) and people who I think have every reason to trust me do the opposite. Unfortunately, it's repeated often enough and wounded me deeply enough that it's become a trigger—whenever I sense it happening again, I close up, withdraw, and generally feel like running and hiding. The response is much larger than the stimulus, and even once the incident itself is resolved, I feel like crappy and sorry for myself for a while. It takes my emotions some time to catch up with reality, so it's nice to feel them synching up again.

To you, O Lord, I call;
   my rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if you be silent to me,
   I become like those who go down to the pit.
Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy,
   when I cry to you for help,
when I lift up my hands
   toward your most holy sanctuary.

Blessed be the Lord!
   for he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
   in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
   and with my song I give thanks to him.

—Psalm 28:1-2, 6-7
Tags: relationships, scripture, struggle, work
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