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On a wire between will and what will be

Unsettling dreams last night, the kind that take all morning to try to shake—a hodgepodge of London, old ghosts, lost schoolmates, and failures. Among other things, my subconscious is probably working overtime on some things God is doing in my life, lessons I'm learning and old ways of behaving that don't line up with who He's declared me to be.

One of the central issues in my relationship with God is limits—He is infinite, I am not. Admitting how I rebel against my limitedness and try to be someone I'm not intended to be has become an important part of learning to relate with Him and with the world. Now He's bringing the other side of the coin to light, showing me how much I limit myself and hold back where I should be taking greater risks or simply applying myself more readily and fully.

There are largely unacknowledged fears that guide, shape, and ultimately own me in big and small ways. One is the fear of being used up. I regularly hoard my time and energy for no good reason. I decline or avoid activities sometimes just so that I can have time, which I often have no idea what to do with when I have it. Likewise, I search for the easiest ways to do things (or not to do them) rather than just diving in. And in all of this mess, my primary consideration is me, almost unconsciously preserving a comfort that truly isn't all that comfortable.

Thankfully, I'm being called out of that. In many respects, I've been called out of that but have stopped up my ears and refused to go. There's freedom and abundance out there for me, an identity worth living into and strength with which to serve.

It will be a hard life—one without reward, without remorse, without regret. A path will be placed before you. The choice is yours alone. Do what you think you cannot do. It will be a hard life, but you will find out who you are.

—Qui-Gon Jinn, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace


Reading you process things is so helpful to my own walk in faith. Thank you.
You're welcome. I'm glad to hear it's helpful for someone other than me. Thank you.
So proud of you. And so glad I get to be right here to see what's being brought to light. :o] and He is faithful.
I'm glad you're here, too. I'll see you in a few moments.
Excellent post. I enjoyed this very much, and indeed, it spoke to me, too.

Have I failed to pay attention closely enough? What do you believe your "calling" is? Is it specific or general at this point?
I'm glad what God is doing in my life is useful beyond myself--that's the way it should be. And I'm mostly thinking of the hope to which we've been called as Christians and what it means to live a life worthy of that calling. That's a pretty big, abundant space in which to live.
Yes, agreed. : ) I wasn't sure if you had received a somewhat recent specific calling to a specific ministry in a specific place and time.

Well, for instance, to Saddleback. LOL...Just kidding.
Isn't it amazing how slowly we learn?
Indeed. I'm glad God is patient and knows what I'm made of. He made me, after all.
My! How this spoke to me!
I regularly hoard my time and energy for no good reason.

I identify w/ that all too well. I feel like that's what H and I have been doing since we've been married-- kind of existing in our own little bubble to protect each other and preserve our time together.

And there is a time and a place for that, but I think it became our habit.