Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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On a wire between will and what will be

Unsettling dreams last night, the kind that take all morning to try to shake—a hodgepodge of London, old ghosts, lost schoolmates, and failures. Among other things, my subconscious is probably working overtime on some things God is doing in my life, lessons I'm learning and old ways of behaving that don't line up with who He's declared me to be.

One of the central issues in my relationship with God is limits—He is infinite, I am not. Admitting how I rebel against my limitedness and try to be someone I'm not intended to be has become an important part of learning to relate with Him and with the world. Now He's bringing the other side of the coin to light, showing me how much I limit myself and hold back where I should be taking greater risks or simply applying myself more readily and fully.

There are largely unacknowledged fears that guide, shape, and ultimately own me in big and small ways. One is the fear of being used up. I regularly hoard my time and energy for no good reason. I decline or avoid activities sometimes just so that I can have time, which I often have no idea what to do with when I have it. Likewise, I search for the easiest ways to do things (or not to do them) rather than just diving in. And in all of this mess, my primary consideration is me, almost unconsciously preserving a comfort that truly isn't all that comfortable.

Thankfully, I'm being called out of that. In many respects, I've been called out of that but have stopped up my ears and refused to go. There's freedom and abundance out there for me, an identity worth living into and strength with which to serve.

It will be a hard life—one without reward, without remorse, without regret. A path will be placed before you. The choice is yours alone. Do what you think you cannot do. It will be a hard life, but you will find out who you are.

—Qui-Gon Jinn, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Tags: dreams, faith, paradox, struggle
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