Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Eustace undragoned

The Father disciplines those He loves, and I am starting to feel the burn—not deep suffering so much as the fire and ache of atrophied muscles that aren't being allowed to sit idle any longer. The weight would surely crush me, however, without His tender mercy and the hope of His promises.

I'm surprised by how much (and how quickly) He's changing my sensibilities. The areas He's hit today:
  • Money: The ways I've been a rotten steward, the debt I've mounted, what it's going to cost me to put that behind me, and how important it is to do better from here forward.
  • Work: How far burnout has crept in, how little I've done about it, how deeply I need relationships that call for me to be something beyond a fixit guy and answer man, how much being a servant costs.
  • Entertainment: Keeping myself distracted has lost its appeal, as have many of the methods I've been using to do so. I've filled some of the empty spaces with garbage, and they need to cleared if I am to have room for things that are truly valuable and beautiful.
In short, I find myself beginning to repent in the most unexpected ways, driven by how He's reshaping my heart. I'm called to live my life in line with how He's changing me, which makes the choices and sacrifices ahead so clearly worthwhile. These are momentary light afflictions in light of the joy He's set before me. I am Eustace being undragoned by Aslan.

Today was exhausting, honestly. It's not what I'd have chosen for myself. But late in the day, I opened a letter reminding me that one of my former students has completed her time on staff with InterVarsity and is focusing on building a life with her new husband. As I thought about it, so many other dear ones' faces and names came to mind, each now grown and facing up to the challenges of living into their lives. My little trees have indeed grown up. Perhaps it is time for me to do the same.
Tags: hope, life, struggle, work
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