Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Heart becoming flesh

My heart's been changing. I'm coming to see (as if it weren't obvious; I just stayed too preoccupied to look) how self-centered my life is—that what I do with nearly every moment of the day, at work and outside it, whether I'm content or restless or somewhere in between, is about what I want. I can couch it better, using language of hopes and dreams while calling my laziness busyness, but the bottom line is being revealed to me. And I'm honestly not discouraged.

I'm not discouraged because, even in the worst case, what I need is a Savior, and I have that. That's changing me. I'm learning not just to believe better things (credit: Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz), but also to want better things, to love better things. And that's not a change I'm creating—it's being made in me.

I was surprised on Tuesday that, coming up on Community Group night which promised to challenge my patience, I actually looked forward to loving someone hard for me to love. I hadn't been looking forward to it the day before, or the day before that. Something simply, and beyond my effort or capability, changed. It's not a fully-effected cure by any means, but it's evidence of work being done in me. He will see it through.

I've said it before, but the realization is deeper and touches new territory each time: there are gifts I've been squandering, ways I've misused what God's given me. It's all rooted in failing to believe He is who He says He is and trying to live as someone other than who He says I am. And ultimately, that leaves me exhausted. Because it's just not true, and there's no rest in it.

It's truly exciting to begin to realize the kind of life He's freeing me to live. There's lots of intimidation there, too—what if I get tapped out, don't have enough to give, don't get what I need? Each of those very valid questions has an answer, though—one spoken authoritatively by the God of the universe, who loves me.

Who loves me.

What can hold a candle to that?
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