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Godhood's burden

I suck at resting. Feels like I've said that a million times before, but it's a fact that's repeatedly reestablished. Not that I did much of anything today, but even in my laziness, that elusive quality called rest continues to be...elusive.

Instead, I pace, literally and figuratively. I flit from desktop screen to laptop screen to Sidekick screen to television screen, or try to decide what to eat even as I realize that I'm not actually hungry. Sometimes I can distract myself with a task, like returning a DVD or going through the mail or doing the dishes. Or I'll search for a good stream of music, or lay down for a nap. Not a whit of it is rest.

And then there's Jesus. I can't really consider rest without soon running into His invitation: "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30).

At root, I know what chronically keeps me from rest is a burden—the burden of my own assumed godhood. It doesn't seem that gross an error at first, but closer examination and brutal honesty forces me to admit that I'm really trying to be the god of my own little world. Sometimes I'm trying to be a "Christian" god: doing the right things, speaking the truth, being good and nice. Sometimes I'm trying to be something far less. Regardless, I'm not living the restful life of one under authority, nor in the rich abundance of a son of the King. I'm making all the decisions, whether motivated by my ideas or simply by my desires. Whether they're "right" or "wrong," they're all my calls.

That's heavy, even in a world as small as my life. It's not His yoke.

Comments

I can identify with that.

I never used to be this way (rest-less), but lately it seems as if I must constantly be moving on to the next task.

I've pretty much quit now, but it's one thing I used to like about cigars was that I found it impossible to do anything but rest and pray the whole time I was smoking a cigar. I need to discipline myself to get to that place of rest ... without the cigar.
Though the cigar doesn't sound so bad, either...
i realized this morning, when i turned the rita springer on really loud, stood in the middle of the floor in my pajamas, closed my eyes and did my PT exercises, that this was way closer to resting than i had been in a very long time. my heart was at rest, and i was be-ing more than i was doing. it was lovely... and all too unfamiliar.
I had no idea who Rita Springer was prior to my follow-up Google from this comment. I was thinking along the lines of Jerry Springer, and that just didn't seem right.
(laughing) yeah, the lines are pretty different than that. :)

she is for sure one of my favorite worship leaders.
some of this reminds me of Lewis' Space Trilogy, but I won't be able to articulate why. thanks for sharing. helps me know how to pray.
(Not) surprisingly, I rested and slept better than I have in some time after writing that entry. Thank you.
This is excellent insight.

Oh, how we all need that kind of rest. Lord, grant me a heart and spirit that receives your divine and miraculous rest, for I am burdened by this life, weary and heavy laden.

Let me rest from sin, and pride, and self, and ambition, and striving after the wind. Let me rest in you, your grace, mercy, peace and love. Amen.