We so often seem more interested in finding where Your love ends than in abiding in it, in You. We want to negotiate a deal to see if we can get You to allow or forgive this or that instead of taking You as You are—the ultimate and only authority of the universe, broken and offered for us, "full of pity joined with power."
Sometimes I don't know why You put up with all our shit, over and over, or why we continue to load it on so our lives will feel like we think they should, yet at the end of the day continue to claim You, and call that grace.
I don't know why, but I'm thankful. I'm thankful grace is more than I've made it, yet reaches far enough to grasp me when I abuse it. It reaches far enough to change me, too. Maybe that's what so many of us are running from in our efforts to test your limits and hope our lives are somehow more interesting and full in the process. Maybe we want a grace that will save us, but that won't change us. Which is ridiculous.
Salvation is for today. It's not just to save me from Your judgment of sin on the day of reckoning. It's to save me from the shit now, from grasping for my own way, from choices rooted in the desperation to be loved on my terms.
Because honestly, if my own terms worked, I wouldn't need You at all. And I know they don't. No matter how stubborn I might want to be, I know that You alone have the words of life. Where else can I go? There are things I'm afraid to let go of. Give me the strength, the grace, to let go of them anyway.
Jesus, I don't want You just at the end of the road. I want You now.