Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Love, baffling

Nothing special to write about. Funny how I find myself writing for an audience, even though I started with LJ just to keep my journal differently. The fact that others are reading stays somewhere in my head. Honestly, I even wrote for an audience when I kept my journal offline. I'd think, "What if someone finds this?," or "What if I become famous and someone wants to write my life story?" I think I'll always feel the presence an audience in every step.

I'm in one of my "baffled by people" phases. Not by any person in particular, just by the idea of relationship, how many different ways people can relate to each other and how we are supposed to. I guess it's not just people that mystify me; it's still love. Love on all levels: romance, family, friendship, compassion. How we search, how we find, how we keep, how we lose. Empty spaces filled with presence and spaces left empty and longing.

I'm truly baffled, and I wish that were charaterized by awe and wonder, but instead I simply feel distance, confusion, separation. My time with other people is vague and vacant, which makes it hard for me to know what true love, God's love, is (which is the cause and which the effect?). Love is and should be a mystery, but I'd like to feel more like a part of the mystery rather than apart from it.

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