Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

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Refining

Community Group in a few minutes, my first to lead solo. Nothing radical, since it's the same group, same study, etc., yet I'm finding that I feel pressure to be better prepared. That's a good thing.

In some respects, I've missed leading solo. I really haven't done it since before the Year of Hell. Maybe it's gifting, maybe it's ego, maybe some of both, but there's something about it that's extremely comfortable and comforting, like doing what I was made for.

That said, I've got a lot of growing to do, so much so that I can't possibly overstate the point. I'm impatient and uncompassionate, selfish and undisciplined. My life, viewed as a whole, isn't something I'd want my group to emulate. We're going to have to grow together, which is God's intent. And I'm going to have to grow a lot on my own—grow out of myself and grow into myself. I'm blessed to see hints of that growth, to have a sense of which way to go and which bridges to burn. It's entirely too easy for me to move backward.
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