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Desk

The past is prologue

mood: nostalgic nostalgic
music: Billy McLaughlin, "Carol Of The Bells"
Maybe it's the Christmas season, but I'm missing people. I miss my best friend, Chris. Even though I try to accept it and move on, I don't understand how someone can change so much, becoming almost completely self-involved and turning his back on his friends, his wife, and his Lord. I probably haven't spoken with him in a year or more, and have no idea how I'd even reach him if I did. It's staggering to go from brothers in the faith and even partners in ministry to...nothing.

I miss Jodi. I don't even know how to express that one.

I miss Laura, and Kevin, and Joel, and Shannon, and Kris, and Mike, and all the rest. The ones who knew.

"Be here now," I tell myself, "or you'll miss it." That's so true. I almost wish I could wall of the past and stop this missing so that it doesn't keep getting in the way of my appreciating today's blessings. There's so much to be thankful for, so much to be celebrated in joy. I have wonderful friends and family, a good home, and a good job. God loves and delights in me. And sometimes I almost can't see any of it.

This life, this one, is the one I have now. It's worth diving into. There are no more trips back. There's nothing else I can bring with me just by force of will. What's past is past.

Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 at 07:35 am | | Communicate | 7 communications |

Comments


lionsong

You're not alone...I wish had something more profound or encouraging to say but the past few days have struck me dumb.
Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 08:30 am (UTC) | | Thread | Reply

lajea

*hug* Your pain feels raw and so familiar to me.... I'm so sorry you have to suffer through this time, but I know God is loving you through it, even when you can't feel Him......

Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 08:37 am (UTC) | | Thread | Reply

pinkroo

I'm sorry--I hope someone in your life today knows the important things about you.
Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 10:13 am (UTC) | | Thread | Reply

sillypilgrim

I was just feeling this same thing very intensly yesterday.

So this morning I was praying that God would allow me to be involved with the people He has given me Today... allow me to really see them as He sees them and allow me to see Him in them and see what He's doing.
Because He's the only one who we'll never have to miss.
Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 06:15 pm (UTC) | | Thread | Reply

journeyto

Because He's the only one who we'll never have to miss.>>>

Thank you. I needed to read that just then.
Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 08:18 pm (UTC) | | Parent | Thread | Reply

sillypilgrim

I needed to hear it, too!

I'm so grateful to banzai for being so transparent here.
lionsong and I were talking about something similar last night and it surprises me how often we hurt the same way at the same times.
Somehow we learn from eachother's struggles and often He allows us to feel the same pain at the same time so we don't have to be alone in them.
Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 08:40 pm (UTC) | | Parent | Thread | Reply

bonsaye

Mmm-huh. I relate to your desire to know and have the old Chris again. This week, I've been thinking of my best friend, Chelsea -- we were inseparable from early 1989 to late 2002. Then, bam, she "lost" her faith in a sense. The same thing you described with Chris. Almost earth-shaking to go from iron-sharpening-iron to nothing, nothing at all. We haven't talked in a year plus some; I'm sending a Christmas card this year just to acknowledge that she is/was important and that I know she still exists. The gesture will be ignored, I'm sure. Sigh.

In relation to that, I do see how the Lord has been bringing me new friends. I long for a "best friend" again -- and I had one for two years before he died -- but I'm prone to let that longing smother the thankfulness I have for the new friends, some of them close.

Amen and amen to what you wrote. Glad to read it.
Posted on Dec. 6th, 2004 10:29 pm (UTC) | | Thread | Reply