Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Everlasting love

There are times I'd like to be dating someone right now, to feel love and loved, want and wanted. In my imagination at least, that would soften my losses and make me think less about my disappointments. And honestly, sometimes I don't want to care whether she loves Jesus or not. And that shows me how damned selfish I am.

Basically, I want a fix, like an addict of any other stripe. But that's not God's intent for me, and I know it. Seeking the Kingdom first isn't something I can let myself set aside. If God's voice has any authority in my life, that must define me. And if I deny Him that, then I also deny Him the authority to pronounce my forgiveness—it's the same voice, and it can't have authority in one area of my life but not in another. Either I believe Him or I don't.

Because of that, I can't consider marrying anyone who isn't likewise defined by Him, who isn't seeking first His Kingdom. And I won't be romantically close with anyone I know I couldn't marry, because that'd ultimately be a lie. I already have enough of those.

God's design for marriage is a loving union through which He advances His Kingdom. Once, I heard someone say Christians should evaluate potential spouses in terms of how they can encourage and partner with one another in seeking His Kingdom here. That seems like a good place to start.

But if that's one of my main criteria, what if there's no spark? What if I don't love her in the way I want to love someone? That's hypothetically valid, but if she's really someone God designed to advance His kingdom in a way that's complementary to me, how could I do anything but love her? Inasmuch as she's not attractive to me, neither is He.

So what do I do now? Much as I want to do anything and everything else, I need to fall more in love with Him, to let Him define and change what attracts me, what I seek, what I love. If there's to be another in my life, He'll bring us to one another. Grasping and scrambling for that, even though it's often what I want to do, is simply faithless and, if He's to be believed, quite insane.

Mostly, I just needed to sketch the truth out for myself, a reminder of the boundary stones for this stage of my life. It's been too easy for me to let myself question His authority and goodness, but He has show Himself faithful and true. That's the only direction in which there's hope. That hope doesn't disappoint.
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