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Things I still don't understand

As noted, I ditched out of the Victrola party pretty early last night. I knew next to no one, and while it was fun, it was also yet another of those socially awkward times when I felt pretty alone, moreso in a crowd than had I been by myself. So when I come in for morning coffee, I'm greeted by a round of "you didn't stay very long last night!" by the staff here. I obviously don't get people at all, because I barely thought my presence was noted, much less my absence. Feels nice, but I obviously need to re-assess my assessments of social situations (further reinforcement that I am, in fact, a social idiot).

Starting late because Suzanne told me to take some time off before she left Wednesday, and Dave reiterated that sentiment yesterday. Fact is, there are a couple of things that just have to be done, on a schedule, so taking whole days off before Sunday is unlikely. I'd far rather work a little each day. Attention span theater, I suppose. Hopefully I'll only be in the office briefly today, and do some more tomorrow. I could get everything done today, but the thought of sitting in the office all day is quite unappealing.

Dreamed of Jodi last night. My first love, for anyone keeping score. Heard her voice, then saw her walk by through my window. Called out to her and she seemed to hear, but not know where it was coming from. Frustration, futility, and loss-- a dream mirroring life. This morning, I stopped for a long moment on the sidewalk where she walked in my dream.

I am still haunted.


Next time you have one of those things and I'm in Seattle, let me know. I'm used to going to those lame cocktail party things and I'll walk up to anyone. :-) The trick is to take on a different identity. It's fun.

With great pain, I came to the conclusion to obliterate the majority of my past journal entries. I am a person who has held on to a lot of bitterness throughout life. I'm the passive-aggressive type at times and can talk behind people's backs. God wants me to be free of this, so he has told me to destroy my old filth. I know there's some good stuff in there, but the old stuff is powerful. God gave me the challenge of "What's more important to me?" "To lose it all or too be imprisoned to bitterness for the rest of my life as I rehash the past?" I've been through a lot, but God's carried me through as a warrior. I forget what is behind and press on. So that is what I'm doing here.

Thank you so much for loyally reading my journal entries as a friend. It means a lot. I encourage you to join my friends' list on my other account www.livejournal.com/users/bibleverses -- that I will keep active. God Bless you all!


Dan the Running Man