Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

Being wanted

We have been sitting on the doorstep of God's house, and He bids us advance into the banqueting hall and sup with Him, but we decline the honour. There are secret rooms not yet opened to us; Jesus invites us to enter them, but we hold back. Shame on our cold hearts! We are but poor lovers of our sweet Lord Jesus, not fit to be His servants, much less to be His brides, and yet He hath exalted us to be bone of His bone and flesh of His flesh, married to Him by a glorious marriage-covenant. Herein is love! But it is love which takes no denial. If we obey not the gentle drawings of His love, He will send affliction to drive us into closer intimacy with Himself. Have us nearer He will.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening ("The Bands of Love")

It's almost unbelievable how far I'll go to feel wanted, equally unbelievable how far I'll run from the One who truly wants me, and downright astonishing how closely coupled those forces are in my life. So many of the ways I seek to be desired are false to the core and take me far from His love.

Is it that I want a feeling more than I want love?

Is real love, His love, frightening—because it is outside my control, or because, although it is given contraconditionally, it still promises (threatens) to change me, to call, command, and eventually force me to let go of the counterfeits I've grown so fond of?

Do I refuse because I know how unworthy I am?

Is His love not tangible enough, not "real" enough for me? Do I need to drive the nails into His hands myself to believe that love is more real than the garbage I pursue?

Am I afraid it will be taken away?

Sometimes, I wonder if I want Him to love me less, to have some fuzzy, nebulous, comfortable sense of God instead. A fantasy relationship is always easier than a real one. If I can make a God in the image I desire—my own Golden Calf—its love will demand nothing of me. Not my actions, not my belief, not even my presence.

I can avoid the disruption His Word brings by claiming, "It just doesn't reach me." I can dodge the overwhelming distance and overwhelming nearness that true worship evokes by saying, "I commune with the Divine in my own way." I can sidestep the messiness of community with His Church, of being in over my head with people whose very presence will require forgiveness and whose forgiveness I also need, by lamenting, "I just don't connect with them; I need a break."

Thank you for wanting me, Jesus. Let that be the true North from which I navigate, instead of my own screwed-up sense of direction.

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