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There are worse things than "fraud"

My (un)controlled rage this week has been directed at Citibank. Apparently the fact that I moved has drawn the ire of their Fraud Protection Department of Homeland Security, who can't verify my new address using their "various means of verification." Never mind the fact that they already sent a new card to the new address!

So they called "for my protection" (from moving?), and wanted to do "workplace verification," except that I answer the frickin' phone at my workplace, so it doesn't mean beans. Next, they want to move to "more invasive means" (anal probe?), which can be 1) reading me stuff from my credit report (what? how can that help? I haven't seen my credit report), or 2) having me go to a bank, show the teller my ID and having them call Citibank to tell them it's me (doesn't that sound a lot like me doing work? and what magical privileges does the schmo behind the glass have?).

Needless to say, I got "all up in the grill" of the woman who called me, resulting in this conversation:
Me: So this is what happens every time someone tries to move?
Drone 1: Sir, I understand it's an inconvenience, but...(yadda, yadda—I stopped listening)
Me: So what if I just never use my card again?
Drone 1: Well, you can do that if you like.
Me: Which means, basically, that because you've made this such a pain, that you won't be getting more business from me.
Drone 1: Sir, we have thousands of customers. It really doesn't matter to us.
After hanging up, I called to chew out someone new, just for variety. Same drill, until this:
Me: So you've said you can't help me. Who can help me?
Drone 2: Sir, those are all the options we have.
Me: Then it sounds like you and I have done all we can, and I would need to talk with your boss next.
Drone 2: (Hummunahummunahummmuna) You mean my supervisor? Um...she um...she can't do anything, either...
Me: But you and I are done, right? Can you get her for me?
Drone 2: Yes, I'll see if my supervisor is available.
All that resulted in this (at 16:45 yesterday):
Me: So since I answer the phone at my job, and since your investigative methods can't confirm that I live where I say I live, I have to go to a bank every time I want to move?
Borg Queen: Well, is there someone else at your office? Could you transfer me to them if I called?
Me: I can do that? Really? Thank you! I can't believe I had to go through two other people to learn this!
Borg Queen: Well, could you transfer me now?
Me: No, he's on the phone.
Borg Queen: If I tried back in five minutes, could I talk to him?
Me: I have absolutely no way of knowing that. You can try.
Borg Queen: OK, I'll call back in five minutes.
I stayed at the office until 17:30. Nothing.

Asshats.

Comments

If you send them a blood or urine sample, you'll probably go to jail for "bioterrorism."

Cutting up the card, paying off the balance and closing the account sounds like a much better plan.

In fact, then you can probably open a fresh card from your new address and they'll think you are a brand new customer.

There won't be bureaucracy in Heaven.
Good thing--they would have a lot more trouble verifying my address in heaven, I think.
Drone 1: Sir, we have thousands of customers. It really doesn't matter to us.>>>


W
T
F


No kidding. I know it's true, but I couldn't believe she said it!
It's like a sitcom.

But that's us.

I think you've got enough ammunition to turn the (un)controlled rage into "Look at what someone said, someone better give me something free right now".
But how would they know where to send it?
Maybe they need to take some Donnie Darko lessons.
Excellent reference!

*Closes jaw*

I second that.
I hope that doesn't happen to me. I changed my address and stuff with them already...
"Asshats"

Bravo!

little thought:

this little gem:

"Drone 1: Sir, we have thousands of customers. It really doesn't matter to us." should be forwarded/faxed to as many supervisors as you can get your hands on, maybe even head office staff. preferrably head office staff. i am sure those at citibank would love to know that their drones are driving business to other companies.... and besides, if no one listens, you get to be a bit of a pain in the butt back. haha.

Re: little thought:

Yeah, that's exactly the one that floored me. I may follow up next week.

Re: little thought:

I hope they record their telephone calls.
well, at least now i know never to do business with citibank.
i just changed my name on all my credit cards and bills and got 99% of it done over the phone. too easy.
poor guy.
God's taking great care of me, though--at least I can laugh about it!
I know this is tragic, and really, my heart goes out to you, but I can't stop laughing (at your misfortune and at the delivery of said misfortune).
It is definitely funny, in an unbelievably ridiculous way!
That's the best kind of funny :D
umm .... correct me if I'm wrong, but couldn't you transfer that call to ANYONE? How does that confirm that you are who they think you are?
Exactly. None of this even remotely makes sense to me. When/if they call, I'm just going to pretend to be someone else and see what happens.
haha, truely the corporate world. i do the whole calling people thing, but i get to worse stuff than "sir, we have thousands of customers." but then again i collect debt, and i'm no customer service rep. But yes, at least she was honest in the fact that it doesn't matter if you go somewhere else or not, they do not care and it's not their money. Part of the problem would exist with the "drones" getting paid barely above minimum wage, as temporary employees (same as tellers) and gets NO benefits. This is incentive to care the slightest bit about your customers. I guess that makes me a drone for Wachovia, eh, it barely pays my bills. After being required to say the same thing over and over for each call you are on, it isn't humanly possible to be human. You do your job, follow the laws you have to follow, and there is no way around that. It just sucks for the customer when the stupid pointless laws cause such ridiculous inconvenience.