Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

Being real and being myself

I think I've passed the point in my life when I'd want to be a thing (a professional, a husband, a leader, etc.). Nothing wrong with the roles, but there's nothing in taking those roles on as identities but definitions and excuses, and I don't need either as much as I used to.

Perhaps that makes me seem too directionless or unambitious for the success-oriented—my "ladder" vanished a long time ago, and "getting ahead" looks like an affluent delusion and idol.

Perhaps I might also seem too lacking in dreams or passion for the so-called visionaries, but that may be because I see reality as something to contend with rather than to run from.

Regardless, it's better for me to be myself than any of these things. Even if it's not better, it's still the truth—I am myself, and there's no point pretending otherwise. As John and I discussed yesterday, one of the frustrations in dealing with people is all the lying we do. I don't want come alongside anyone in their fake lives, only in their real ones. And it does me no good for anyone to support my own fakery.

Being real and dealing with the real seem to be important themes for me of late. I probably need to let that challenge me more, to transform and redeem the pockets of escape I perpetuate for myself. Because life is in the real, and it isn't anywhere else.

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