?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Black

Easter's antithesis

mood: confused confused
I should be writing about a great day of celebration and joy. That's what they day was all about, and hopefully by tomorrow that's how I'll feel about it. For now, I'm just wiped out and puzzled by how I can spend an entire day with people who love me, who laugh with me, and come away feeling drained and alone.

How does anyone ever get this friendship thing figured out? My friends are dear, good people, yet most of them don't hear my soul at all. It's all jokes or business, nothing of heart. I don't know why I try or if I'm even trying. When I come away feeling like my efforts at normal relationships yield mediocre results, and when I know that my friendships on deeper heart levels have a tendency to end in spectacular failure and loss (and most have), why don't I simply follow the urge to withdraw and be a hermit that rises from my gut? I don't have as much of this fight left in me as I'd like. I'm almost done.

So much noise where I could use quiet; so much silence where I'd like to hear.

Posted on Apr. 11th, 2004 at 10:55 pm | | Communicate | 7 communications |

Comments

nerdgoddess

I completely hear what you just said and I must say I'm feeling the same way.
Posted on Apr. 11th, 2004 11:39 pm (UTC) | | Thread | Reply

banzai

I think on some deeper levels, you and I have a lot in common (not to mention the Iowa and Deep Space Nine connections).
Posted on Apr. 12th, 2004 01:22 pm (UTC) | | Parent | Thread | Reply

nerdgoddess

I agree and we should discuss it soon on a day when my body isn't on strike.
Posted on Apr. 13th, 2004 08:46 am (UTC) | | Parent | Thread | Reply

oxbastetxo

It's human nature to keep reaching out. It's the need to be needed.

I hope you don't mind if I add you to my Friends group...I'm a friend of Marm's.

(((Hugs))))
Posted on Apr. 12th, 2004 06:42 am (UTC) | | Thread | Reply

banzai

I don't mind at all—welcome!

Being needed and even wanted both present to varying degrees. What I miss is being known, because there are times I grow tired of being needed, and it feels fake to be wanted when people don't really know me well.

A good night's sleep (better than most, anyway) was helpful.
Posted on Apr. 12th, 2004 09:17 am (UTC) | | Parent | Thread | Reply

agy

the questions i pose are: what do you see yourself as needing/wanting? and what is happening that prevents it? rather like two parallel lines that will never meet...the trick is to angle one slightly.
Posted on Apr. 13th, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC) | | Thread | Reply

afterthefall

real, intense relationships do seem to be more draining. It just seems to mean you're usually the one giving. Is this because you don't have friends who are willing and able to give you what you need; to freely give their time, love and energy? Or maybe you won't allow yourself the vulnerability of needing other people, or taking what is ofered. I don't know. I think I deal with this a lot. Letting myself need others is harder for me than giving all the time.
Posted on Apr. 18th, 2004 04:42 pm (UTC) | | Thread | Reply