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Black

In the dark

Woke up some time ago, wide awake. Hoping to settle and sleep a bit more, so I write as a companion to thought and prayer. Refraining from reading for the moment because, honestly, I want to neither put more thoughts in my head nor bury those already running through it.

Being with a young family like my sister's casts my own life and character in a different light. Marriage and family introduce the needs and wants of others into the entirety of our lives, and that's something I have a great deal of choice about as a single man. When I see it make her tired, or when it makes me tired, my fears and insecurities come out. Could I do this anymore? What if I am too old, too self-centered, too set on having my way and my freedom?

Becky and Steve assure me I'm great with the kids, and that helps, because left to my own devices, I just wouldn't know how I'm doing. "Left to my own devices" is the key phrase to getting out from under my fear-- the truth is, I'm not. I'm not the last word on what I'm capable of. I'm not the last word on my character. I'm not the last word on who I am, just as I wasn't the first word on it. I'm not an orphan. I'm a son. And my Abba is very fond of me.

These journeys of soul can be treacherous travels. Writing my observations from the road seems a safe thing, but it's not. It's intimate, and intimacy is wild, risky, dangerous. Sometimes I'm not cautious enough, I think. Lots to pray about and a fair helping of humility to digest.

Comments

"I'm not the last word on what I'm capable of. I'm not the last word on my character. I'm not the last word on who I am, just as I wasn't the first word on it. I'm not an orphan. I'm a son. And my Abba is very fond of me."

Now there's a truth you can cling to!
Yes...marriage and kids, while desirable, are scary. I totally understand. I want to have kids someday, but at the same time I'm terrified to have them just for the sheer responsibility. How do you know what to do with them? I talked to my mom about it and she says you can't worry about those things, because if everyone listened to those fears, there would be no children. :) Anyway, I just wanted to relate.