Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

In the dark

Woke up some time ago, wide awake. Hoping to settle and sleep a bit more, so I write as a companion to thought and prayer. Refraining from reading for the moment because, honestly, I want to neither put more thoughts in my head nor bury those already running through it.

Being with a young family like my sister's casts my own life and character in a different light. Marriage and family introduce the needs and wants of others into the entirety of our lives, and that's something I have a great deal of choice about as a single man. When I see it make her tired, or when it makes me tired, my fears and insecurities come out. Could I do this anymore? What if I am too old, too self-centered, too set on having my way and my freedom?

Becky and Steve assure me I'm great with the kids, and that helps, because left to my own devices, I just wouldn't know how I'm doing. "Left to my own devices" is the key phrase to getting out from under my fear-- the truth is, I'm not. I'm not the last word on what I'm capable of. I'm not the last word on my character. I'm not the last word on who I am, just as I wasn't the first word on it. I'm not an orphan. I'm a son. And my Abba is very fond of me.

These journeys of soul can be treacherous travels. Writing my observations from the road seems a safe thing, but it's not. It's intimate, and intimacy is wild, risky, dangerous. Sometimes I'm not cautious enough, I think. Lots to pray about and a fair helping of humility to digest.

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