Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:


Just give me a number
Instead of my name
Forget all about me
And let me decay
I do not matter
I'm only one person
Destroy me completely
Then throw me away

If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this world

Close every door to me
Keep those I love from me
Children of Israel
Are never alone
For I know I shall find
My own peace of mind
For I have been promised
A land of my own

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, "Close Every Door"

Day off for the holiday, a blessing sorely needed. Spent most of the morning at Victrola, puttering between personal and work. Deleting 1,267 emails from my work account (yes, that was the actual number) makes things feel just a bit lighter. Jen missed me and was glad to see me back at my old table; she and Chris talked with me a while about their prospective PowerBook purchase.

God's giving me some important things with which to wrestle, but He is staying by my side throughout. I'd buckle on my own. Yet somehow there is peace, the kind that passes understanding and overshadows my insecurities and hurts. And while my feelings are their own matter, the prospect that I might point someone away from Him is immeasurably more disturbing and heartbreaking.

Have I been faithful? No matter what my opinion, I don't know. And I could agonize over the question rather than simply wrestling with it. The bottom line, however, is that He is faithful, and He's the one I have to trust. I know my track record and I know the roads not taken. Over and over, I have asked what love requires and sought to act in that. Ultimately, He is love, and love requires He be trusted. He's better at it than I am. While I am part of this story, it's not about me. I never want to put myself in the position of mediating another's relationship with Christ. Indeed, in truth, He is the one who mediates my relationships with all others.

He is faithful, and He has me. He has this situation, too, and He will not fail to be good. That's my source of peace, hope, and comfort in this time— indeed, in all the times.

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