I liked life a lot better as a simple hall director. I feel like a bureaucrat at work these days. Worse yet, some of the RAs I treasure most are hurting because of things related to their job.
It's hard to describe the relationship I felt with my RAs when I was a hall director. There's something about living and working with someone, about having a common noble purpose and sharing in adversity-- it builds a bond. Now that I'm in charge of the department, I miss that bond.
More than any other unhappiness about this interim year, that one has been at the core. That's a little embarassing, because maybe as an "adult" I shouldn't let so much of myself be personally invested with students. I have a lot of trouble explaining it (can you tell?); it's just how I've lived. The counselor in me questions whether I had my relational needs illegitimately met; my heart says these are people and relationships to be honored, even as their supervisor.
I'm challenged by being personal in this journal, because the lines of what's personal are so blurry when I look back. This year has been lonely, because once I launched out from being in the college setting 24/7, I had to face the fact that I built so very few other friendships. At 30, it's been damn tough to pick up the kind of social life, network, and supports my peers have spent years cultivating ("Hi, can I be your friend?" just sounds creepy...).
Maybe I left my calling for a year. Now I have to figure out if I can really go back to it, and if I should.