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Running low

Feeling pretty tired this morning. The past couple of Thursdays have been slow and quiet at work; I'm hopeful today will be the same. Also feeling a bit overwhelmed, though it doesn't seem like quite the right word since it's not even in the ballpark of what I meant by "overwhelmed" in the past year. In truth, everything is fine and often good.

Much in me rails against being a servant-- being a servant of others or of God. I have enough trouble with the latter, and the latter must always include the former. I often feel resistance inside me when others give me work to do. That's probably why a day alone at work is so very appealing.

My people energy is low. I've got the remainder of the work week, a surprise birthday party for John on Saturday, Phil's band is playing later Saturday night, and I'm on "meet and greet" duty for our guest preacher this Sunday. Robin and I talked about resurrecting the Sunday afternoon Murphy's tradition this Sunday, but every part of me wants to bow out. Since it's up to me to organize the thing and invite people, and since it's already Thursday, that's probably exactly what will happen.

I need to think. I've been doing a lot lately. Doing good things and doing bad things, but lots of doing. Most of the thoughts in my head-- the ones not too embarassing and inappropriate for public consumption-- have been about problem solving this, that, or the other thing at work. Underlying a lot of that, I'm coming to see, is a compelling desire to win people's approval and praise at work. Then there's vegetative TV time and other black holes of time and energy. So lots of playing roles and not enough being real.

It'll happen. I have the feeling of struggle, but not of hopelessness. That's a change that stirs immense gratitude in me.

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