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Black

The most I dare say

Jane Monheit at Jazz Alley with Ann this evening. Jane is wonderful.

Couple of minor changes in plans for the next day or two threaten to push me to overload. Increasingly aware that if I told people what I truly think (and think of them), most wouldn't like me much. I'm not very nice.

And there are things I just don't trust.

Comments

You know... there are times when I want to just flat out go to each of my friends and lay out the list of what annoys me about them, why, and what I think they can do about it. But then I remember that they'd most likely come back with a list for me... so I think twice and just remain quiet. Still, there are a few who might be worth putting up with what THEY think in order to finally get out what *I* think. ;)
Usually I try to measure what I say and when I say it based on "speaking the truth in love." Problem is, the truth (or my version of it) tends to arrive in my thoughts much earlier and more frequently than the love.
truly, I'm not nice enough that my real thoughts about a LOT of people are share-able. Is anyone, except, maybe, Jesus??
It's an area where the Spirit has a lot of work to do to form the mind of Christ in me, and I'm not the most willing or dedicated disciple.
Hey, at least you know that your heart is black! Some Christians have no idea how wicked they can be, and others don't care. At least you know and fight it.
Well, at least I know, anyway.

(but seriously, the conviction is a blessing)
It has been my experience over the last year learning how black my heart is . . . I know my thoughts, I know my motives, I know my actions (real and imagined), and yet I'm still loved by God. He wants to change my heart and I want to let Him. But growth and change take a long time . . . a lifetime.