Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Observations from the week's beginning

Remember Your word to Your servant,
   for You have given me hope.
My comfort in suffering is this:
   Your promise preserves my life...
Your decrees are the theme of my song
   wherever I lodge.
In the night I remember Your name, O Lord,
   and I will keep Your law.

–Psalm 119:49-50, 54-55

Grateful that prayer has been more authentic of late. Though still often far from focused, having concern and compassion for friends helps me be real— I want and need God to be who He is, to show up, be good, and come through. And though it's tempting to see this time of trial for so many as unique, upon deeper reflection I'm more inclined to believe much of the change is in my heart and where I'm willing to be in relationship with others. God be praised for working in me.

Sleep is back to chunks of one-and-a-half to three hours, stacked one on another through the night. The reasons aren't the same but the rhythm is familiar. Not a complaint; I'm as well-rested now as I have ever been. Just a quirk, an aspect of being me under certain conditions.

This will likely be the most low-key day of the week. Dave's day off has switched to Monday from Tuesday, so I'll be solo in the office. Tonight and Saturday are the only evenings this week on which I have no plans. Trying not to let that get to me too much— every commitment is a huge blessing; something in me is simply fearful when I give from the margin of time to myself. Fear truly is the issue, fear that I will grow weary and empty. Time to stop trying to look out for myself and my needs in this way, as if I were an orphan who has to fend for himself rather than a son who will be cared for by his Abba who loves him dearly.

Oh, and terribly thankful for the cool and the rain.

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