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Tempest in a teapot

Feeling a touch more human, so let's see if I can write.

Another of those hard weekends, struggling between bouts of rage and depression, each without clear cause or solution. Very thankful that tomorrow is a day off. Hitting work again wouldn't be welcome– at best, it would be a way to channel and diffuse my unrest. Ultimately, however, it would be a method of stuffing my emotions, which are already packed densely enough that I have difficulty telling one from another. We all have our ways of running; work has always been one of mine.

So if I don't run, what will I do? Since I'm feeling a bit more peaceful, I suspect I've either weathered this particular storm or am in the eye of it. In either case, it's a good time to survey the damage, take inventory of what's left, and make plans that minimize the impact of future tempests.

The simple truth is that I carry a great deal of anger within. Invited some friends to join me in prayer about it, although it's difficult to give causes that would make sense to them. It's complex. The analysis isn't as important as seeking the cure. A cure I'm not sure I want in sum.

Without my anger, I fear losing a lot of who I am. Again, it's complex, but very much a part of me. My trust, I suppose, must be in the Physician. Only He knows what I look like healthy and whole. And I do hate that so much of me may die in the process, but I must also trust (I suppose) that at the end of the road, I will be thankful for that death.

Comments

Amen.
Please hang in there, though I know it's not easy. Or, at times, perhaps, it becomes too easy, to lose oneself in the melancholy or the numbing anger or lethargic pain. Fight it, my friend, though it seems more comfortable than facing reality. In His waiting arms there is a way out, though time may seem the easier solution. In the meantime, know I will pray. And know, though it does not always seem so, there is an end to the darkness- and to the fog which, on many occasions, surrounds it.

P.S. There is a reason I call myself the "Healer's daughter."
Thanks for your encouragement and prayer.
I remembered the pithy quote I read from Elisabeth Elliot the other day - take it for what it's worth:

"God knows me through and through. If I concentrate on myself, rummaging around in my emotional entrails, I will be distracted from looking at God. We are to learn to know Him and be at peace."

This quote also reminds me of Romans 8:6, which is what I will be praying for your mind.
Not surprisingly or coincidentally, I read this in C. S. Lewis' essay "Transposition" this evening:
The attempt to discover by introspective analysis our own spiritual condition is to me a horrible thing which reveals, at best, not the secrets of God's spirit and ours, but their transpositions in intellect, emotion, and imagination, and which at worst may be the quickest road to presumption or despair.
Thanks so much for the Scripture and prayer.