Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Tempest in a teapot

Feeling a touch more human, so let's see if I can write.

Another of those hard weekends, struggling between bouts of rage and depression, each without clear cause or solution. Very thankful that tomorrow is a day off. Hitting work again wouldn't be welcome– at best, it would be a way to channel and diffuse my unrest. Ultimately, however, it would be a method of stuffing my emotions, which are already packed densely enough that I have difficulty telling one from another. We all have our ways of running; work has always been one of mine.

So if I don't run, what will I do? Since I'm feeling a bit more peaceful, I suspect I've either weathered this particular storm or am in the eye of it. In either case, it's a good time to survey the damage, take inventory of what's left, and make plans that minimize the impact of future tempests.

The simple truth is that I carry a great deal of anger within. Invited some friends to join me in prayer about it, although it's difficult to give causes that would make sense to them. It's complex. The analysis isn't as important as seeking the cure. A cure I'm not sure I want in sum.

Without my anger, I fear losing a lot of who I am. Again, it's complex, but very much a part of me. My trust, I suppose, must be in the Physician. Only He knows what I look like healthy and whole. And I do hate that so much of me may die in the process, but I must also trust (I suppose) that at the end of the road, I will be thankful for that death.

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