Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

Party pooper

Just back from Garret's bachelor party. Lots of laughter, good food and drink, and a few puffs from the hookah. Some seemed surprised that I came and surprised that I made them laugh.

I seem to be good at a party, but I'm really not. I hate them. My rapid-fire joking and engaging others in side conversations are usually just my ways of dealing with my discomfort. Horridly boring as it sounds, I'm usually the type who prefers a meeting to a celebration. Doing some thinking about this and why it is the case. My conclusions are tentative but grim—indicators of deep-seated brokenness and dysfunction within me.

Yet as I've mentioned before, I don't assume my feelings are constant. It's better when I attend with a friend (which is different somehow from simply being among friends). Perhaps companionship is part of the key. But it's deeper than that, deep enough that I doubt I can fix it. Maybe on this side of heaven, that's just part of who I am. Hope the knot in my gut is gone by morning.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.