Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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At the altar

Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
   Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
   honor him, for he is your lord.

—Psalm 45:10-11

A topic at tonight's Community Group stirred a deeper unrest in me. We talked about the difficulty of comprehending Christ as our bridegroom. And of course this imagery challenges us beyond our more comfortable images of God and our tamer boundaries for love. But as we talked, I realized I cannot imagine having anyone that close to me. Though I have the longing, I no longer have the hope.

Things change. I don't consider this state of my heart a constant. It's not a hope I spent much time with anyway, at least not for a long time. That, too, has changed a time or two, but on the whole, I've accepted that my singleness is not some problem to be remedied. That acceptance, I've believed, places me in a better position to accept whatever may come from God's hand as a gift. And yet, something has been lost, at least for now.

It is a love and way of loving that seems foreign to me now. I don't even know when it happened; probably gradually, bit by bit. Yet God wants to love me in this way and a way far beyond it. And here I find no faith in Him.

The lighting of my apartment tonight is reminiscent of another night, one spent with much pacing and no sleep. Perhaps not everything is so very foreign. And He will love me as He will.

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