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Black

At the altar

Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
   Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
   honor him, for he is your lord.

—Psalm 45:10-11


A topic at tonight's Community Group stirred a deeper unrest in me. We talked about the difficulty of comprehending Christ as our bridegroom. And of course this imagery challenges us beyond our more comfortable images of God and our tamer boundaries for love. But as we talked, I realized I cannot imagine having anyone that close to me. Though I have the longing, I no longer have the hope.

Things change. I don't consider this state of my heart a constant. It's not a hope I spent much time with anyway, at least not for a long time. That, too, has changed a time or two, but on the whole, I've accepted that my singleness is not some problem to be remedied. That acceptance, I've believed, places me in a better position to accept whatever may come from God's hand as a gift. And yet, something has been lost, at least for now.

It is a love and way of loving that seems foreign to me now. I don't even know when it happened; probably gradually, bit by bit. Yet God wants to love me in this way and a way far beyond it. And here I find no faith in Him.

The lighting of my apartment tonight is reminiscent of another night, one spent with much pacing and no sleep. Perhaps not everything is so very foreign. And He will love me as He will.

Comments

:(

I think all of us singletons go through that phase once in a while, especially those of us who have been without a relationship for a long time. But I think the more unlovable we seem to ourselves, the more glory God will receive from our relationship, if it ever comes. That's my reasoning, anyway. :) So I can be like, "Hey, God, don't you want to be glorified?" LOL.
A relationship with a lover here Is, of course, part of the longing. But the real thrust is that Christ is my bridegroom and lover, and I don't know how to receive that kind of love from Him when the hope of it is absent within me.

Thankfully, this is not a miracle beyond His power or promise.
I don't consider this state of my heart a constant.

Ever read The Screwtape Letters? My favorite idea from that book is the concept of "undulation" - that humans are never at a constant state, but we mistakenly perceive our current state as an everlasting constant. It's all about perspective, right?
That's a good reminder! I'd read the book, but forgot about that. Thanks.
That's a great verse. It was on my heart constantly when I first left the house to try college in Chicago.
God seduced me into adulthood.

But ever since He's been humbling me to remember I'm still a child.

Go figure.

He does have such passion for us and wants us to delight in Him with every breath. This totally makes me think of the past few days that I've been "dying" in wait... how when I would leave my computer and go somewhere He would show me how good He is.

hi

i came across your journal because of mutual friends. i hope you don't mind if i add you; i've read a bit of what you've written and i can identify. anywho, hi.

Re: hi

Hi.

I added you too.