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Restoration

Not much substance here lately. Been working some crazy hours trying to plow through ongoing office computer problems; my stubbornness probably made the process longer than it needed to be. Jim came through with a replacement hard drive for the PC today, and after a bit of massaging, our database and financial records are back up and running. Did most of the week's normal work today, which speaks both highly and poorly of my abilities. On the real scorecard, however, it's a testament to His grace.

Love to claim that work is the only reason I've been less than substantive; things are rarely so cut and dried.

I've been a stranger to prayer, aside from the quick upshot to God, a cursory blessing over the occassional meal, or praying in a group as I think I ought. Somewhere along the line I stopped believing— in practice, not merely in principle— that God answers prayer, that He comes through. And so I have asked half-heartedly or not at all, and I do not have because I do not ask. Such power, yet I am insistent on relying on my own. Why would I do such a thing? The answer is as embarrassing as my foolishness, as disappointing as my faithlessness, and as convicting as my idolatry of myself— my desire to be God. That's a motivation that chills me with its familarity.

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of Yourself, for inviting me to petition Your throne. There's a lot on the docket.

Comments

Wow. I have been the same in prayer just when I need it most. I find that if I keep regular morning or evening prayer in a journal I do much better. Since I had my baby my morning prayer time is really gone...as I spend time with her. I need to wake myself up before she does. When I keep a journal I find trends of prayers that have much to do with God's leading (like praying that congress would repent and before 9/11/01 or for protection for our President...). When I don't take time to pray and journal, I forget the events and forget God's hand in it all. I need to get back on schedule. What better time than back to school (with my kiddos homeschooling, I need a schedule I keep).
I had the first substantial prayer time in months last night. It was awful. I always feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle-- a person has to really want to pray, or at least that's how it is for me. Today, everything is different. The awful crankiness that had me yesterday is just gone, & I know that's not my doing. I have the same issue: I just get to thinking I don't need God. Sometimes He has to use a heavy hand to remind me that I need him every minute of every day. I thank God for not leaving me to my delusions.