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'Til we have faces

If we have the idea that we have to put on our "spiritual face" before we can come near to God, then we will never come near to Him. We must come as we are.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (5 July, "Don't Plan Without God")

Do other people have weekly rhythms of mood? Though the content is different, the stimuli varied, each day feels very much like its counterpart the week before. This might not be so bothersome if I liked those feelings, but for the most part, I don't. Saturday, for example, feels rushed and overfull with tasks I cannot (or do not) correctly prioritize. Saturday exists in the looming shadow of Sunday, with arrangements to secure and volunteers to put into place. When Saturday has an evening activity, such as tonight's potluck, I anticipate it with dread and a bit of resentment, even if it's something I would otherwise enjoy. Perhaps Saturday is selfish, like Friday, but with the burden of knowing I must come through for others on Sunday morning.

Mostly bothered by myself in this. I know that much of what I feel is the result of the same bad choices, over and over, week after week. And I hate ruts.

Yet the only man I have to bring before my Lord is this one. Not the one I pretend to be, not the one others expect me to be, not the one I'd like to be. Just this man. So often I do not come at all.



Thanks for a very honest and insightful entry, Banzai. You spoke much truth in your entry. I've had the same thoughts before too and stand often ashamed for the man that I am because of the feelings I carry at times. You talk of rhythms of mood and falling into ruts. My humbling routine (and this comes painfully) is that I work myself silly six days a week and to my detriment and spiritual stagnation, I really take the seventh day principle of Sunday "as a day of rest" to mean just that... and quite often, don't get any spiritual nourishment because I spend the day recouperating. I also dreaded Sunday evenings because I know the next day is the beginning of the week for me and rather than enjoy the time I could be having with friends and family, I spend it counting down the minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love my job (really!) but sometimes I resent that I put more time into my job than I want to and I seem to spend more time with others than with the people near and dear to my heart. I think your feelings are shared by many, but you were brave enough to admit them and become transparent. You also made me aware once again of the same thoughts I've had at times and helped me to be transparent as well.
I agree with you about the ruts. It's so hard to bring yourself out of a rut, and really I can't do it without God. Sometimes it seems like life just goes around in a circle with making a bad choice trying to correct it and then making the same bad choice again. Thank God for his mercy and grace in our lives as much as we fail him!