Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Backing away from oblivion

Due to recent expenses, I now have $28.79 in my bank account. Go me. Good that Monday is payday and I write the checks. Wish the church's finances gave me more cause to be confident, but I suppose walking by faith is going to look like that sometimes.

Just looked up from my morning coffee to see that Jen has displayed the B-Side Records sticker I gave her this week prominently on the front of Victrola's cash register. This really is becoming the place "where everybody knows your name." I'm very pleased.

Making plans to possibly meet up with jasonmonster and scillymonster tomorrow. Planning for travellers is often a tricky proposition, so it'll be neat to meet the Monsters if all is convenient for them, and I'll just catch them on another go-round if not.

Sifting through some of the things that may have contributed to yesterday's depression. It's not all that important to sort it all out, but sometimes it's good to at least inventory what's blindsided me so that I may be a bit wiser in my choices under similar circumstances. I am a tactician and strategist, through and through. A factor that prehaps deserves more weight than I gave it: dreamed of Jodi on Thursday night. Dreaming of her often brings a strange comfort, as if I'd been given a few moments more. But in the morning, there's an edge that cuts. Being alone hurts more, and oblivion can seem preferable to waking life. Thankfully, I'm probably the lowest suicide risk on the face of the planet. The allure of oblivion can still be destructive, however, in so many other ways.

Yeah, that's not all of it, but maybe it was the straw. I can see the sun today without wanting to crawl into a hole, so that's progress indeed.

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