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Listening to the silence

Body isn't much liking the way it's being treated, I'm thinking. Rolled into work this morning after a couple hours' sleep, then collapsed onto my bed for another couple between lock-up this afternoon and returning for the Gathering of Prayer this evening. Total hours of sleep do not exceed total number of fingers on one hand; stomach has flipped from hungry to nauseous a couple times. I'm not trying to mistreat my body—hope it understands.

When the pendulum swung to "hungry," went for a nighttime grocery run. Sometimes those can be hard on me emotionally, for reasons I don't fully understand, but tonight's wasn't so bad. The believer in me says that I was being shown grace, the optimist that I'm doing better, the pessimist that I've so lowered the daily emotional baseline that a grocery store experience isn't even in the ballpark of difficult. Each argument is well-supported in its own right.

Wondering if it would be helpful for me to establish projects for myself, schedules and plans and timelines and tasks, all for a sense of direction, progress, and control. Or maybe just a strategy to keep the darkness at bay, in its place so that my brooding would have boundaries instead of washing over my every moment and thought.

The above paints a bleaker picture than is accurate. Author's liberty, I suppose. I know a few things, deep down, that make it easier. I know I am understood in ways that cannot be expressed, that my fear is only fear. The silence has a voice, if only I will listen. For now, that voice is enough. I hear, I know, I understand.

Read in Hosea a bit this evening. God speaks so deeply there: to His faithfulness, to my unfaithfulness, and to the cost of being faithful.

Comments

A schedule is a wonderful thing, to help with direction, progress and control. :) And I don't think my body would like that kind of treatment, either, so I quite understand... Why did you get so little sleep?
I've had trouble sleeping for some time now.
I'm sorry; I didn't realize that. May God bless you with restful sleep tonight.
I always find structure and organization help me out a lot. Free time can often be a curse. Idle hands and an Idle mind really are the Devil's playground. Too much time to dwell on yourself is never good. Goals and projects are a way not only to avoid empty time, but to have a feeling of purpose and accomplishment. I'm of course not totally familiar with your situation, but getting structure and getting busy have often been what helps me get by.
an lj friend of mind hrairoo recently finished a book by Terry Pratchett (a really funny author) and posted this quote which reminded me of you.
"'Tis the First Sight and Second Thoughts ye have, and 'tis a wee gift an' a big curse to ye. You see and hear what others canna, the world opens up its secrets to ye, but ye're always like the person at the party with the wee drink in the corner who canna join in. There's a little bitty bit inside ye that willna melt and flow" pg 111 of Pratchett's "Wee Free Men"
This is wonderful. I'm using it.