Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

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I was feeling OK when I started...

Show last night was late but good. American School of Warsaw didn’t go on until after 23:00, and Tennis Pro took the stage who-knows-when. Attendance was light, easily attributed to limited publicity, a small venue, and the late hour. Good to check out ASOW, and Tennis Pro played a couple of new-to-me songs, “(Nothing But) Love For Bellingham” and “Camping With A Girl” (which I love). Looking forward to the possibility of their playing a Graceland show together next month.

expressedinword and taci left earlier before things got started, but Sara stuck around for the long haul. These are times when my changing (need for) sleep is coming in handy. Didn’t make it home until after 1:30 and no sleep for a while after that, yet woke at 6:30 ready to go. Hoping to plow through the day effectively so that I may have Friday and Saturday off as much as possible.

In yesterday’s frustration, wrote a biting e-mail that I never sent. Later in the day my frustration fell off in some respects as my focus shifted from how I felt done wrong to who I wanted to be in the midst of that. There’s a warrior in me, part of the Creator’s image and design, but I’m meant for less petty battles than this one. It’s a smaller story and I don’t want to get sidetracked.

Still consistently confused by, uncomfortable with, and unable to connect with or understand others on many levels. The trouble with not connecting well is that talking about it just makes the severity of the problem more obvious and the prospect of a solution more distant. Is there a solution besides indifference? Seems to me that actively loving requires caring, and when I care, I can’t just live with all the crap. Tired of being a confronter, yet there are things of which I’m not able to be an accepter. And the voice inside me, just under the surface, wants to cry out, “No. Stop. Grow up. You know better. Do better.”

God is a forgiver of sin, not an accepter of it. He crucified His Son to kill it, to free us, not to allow for it. Though it's paid for in full, grace isn't cheap. God help us if we choose to live otherwise.
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