Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

Bills, bogs, and blind spots

Only after midnight have I experienced any sort of stillness in my soul. Not much, but more than the other hours, enough to be something other than angry or sad or trying to cover up the two.

Feels like some of the emotional bills of the past year are now coming due, and I don’t have much inside with which I can pay. Everything is so broken and wrong, and I’m terribly tired. Particularly, I’m tired of wading through crap and pretending it’s a bed of roses. I’m tired of being bogged in sin, my own and others’, and pretending I’m doing OK and not sickened and miserable somewhere deep inside. And more than anything, I’m tired of hurting and pretending I’m fine for the sake of honor or duty or comfort.

Something to keep in mind about myself: at my deepest level, I navigate and apprehend the world intuitively, knowing things without knowing how or why I know, filling in the blanks as best I can when trying to share my train of thought with others. One of the limitations of this way of knowing is that it makes me notorious for skipping steps between problem and solution. In the blind spots, I forget that processes take time and paths meander.

Sometimes I get exactly what I pray for, even when I don’t recognize it. Especially when what I pray for is terribly good and terribly hard. The blind spots between problem and solution keep me from seeing the beauty in God’s work.

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