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Sometimes

Skipped the benefit party tonight. Same old thing: an anxiety that grows in me and keeps me from wanting to be with anyone. It’s not about anything, and never about what it’s really about. Almost nothing ever is.

Since I hadn’t eaten by 21:30, decided to go get a soda to accompany my leftover ravioli. Went to 7-11 instead of the grocery store in an effort to sidestep the sadness that sometimes hits me there. Night air did what night air sometimes does, washing me in an almost-overwhelming wave of memories, memories of feeling rather than thought, as if all the people I’ve ever been connected in that moment. Tears well up and I whisper to myself when that happens, wrapped in the tension between burden and blessing. I’m well aware how close to the edge of madness that may be.

My Big Gulp is empty now; it was filled with 7-Up so that caffeine wouldn’t provide a further barrier to rest later.

There are times behind and times ahead, and I wonder how these times will weave into their tapestry. Sometimes things are as they must be, for a time, to prepare. Much to learn and far to go.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening”

Comments

I've been enjoying my lonliness lately. Well, I've at least been enjoying being alone, but sometimes I actually take pleasure in feeling lonely. Melancholy used to be almost addictive to me. Ya know, I really have no idea what you've been through, and what the grocery store and the night breeze bring to mind. Would you mind sharing some of it with me?

And by the way, I love that poem by Robert Frost! He was such a wonderful poet... (And I used to live in PA, and memorized that poem in 4th grade, and it brings back lovely memories of walks in the woods...) *sigh* ~Shadow
There can be a certain paradoxical satisfaction that comes with loneliness sometimes. My journal is a bit of a "catch all," capturings snapshots, bits, and pieces. I'm often not very narrative here, and there are lots of stories I just don't know how to tell any other way. I know that can be a bit of a headache for readers other than myself.