Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

  • Mood:

Sometimes

Skipped the benefit party tonight. Same old thing: an anxiety that grows in me and keeps me from wanting to be with anyone. It’s not about anything, and never about what it’s really about. Almost nothing ever is.

Since I hadn’t eaten by 21:30, decided to go get a soda to accompany my leftover ravioli. Went to 7-11 instead of the grocery store in an effort to sidestep the sadness that sometimes hits me there. Night air did what night air sometimes does, washing me in an almost-overwhelming wave of memories, memories of feeling rather than thought, as if all the people I’ve ever been connected in that moment. Tears well up and I whisper to myself when that happens, wrapped in the tension between burden and blessing. I’m well aware how close to the edge of madness that may be.

My Big Gulp is empty now; it was filled with 7-Up so that caffeine wouldn’t provide a further barrier to rest later.

There are times behind and times ahead, and I wonder how these times will weave into their tapestry. Sometimes things are as they must be, for a time, to prepare. Much to learn and far to go.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening”
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