Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Laying it down

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command.

–Jesus (John 15:12-14)

Home instead of at Community Group potluck. Work is a lot of the reason; even though I almost got everything I needed done out of the way before time to leave, the office tasks remained, including more printer troubleshooting (this particular problem, it turns out after over an hour of trial and error, was caused by a font, of all things). So the group had to go on without me, as will Phil’s party. The cinnamon-raisin bread I made is now in my sole custody. I’m willing to share with taci, since she reads this, but I won’t mention it to the others– doing so is rather akin to telling people what I almost got them for their birthdays.

Truth be told (and it should be), it might not have been a good night for me to be with others. My mood has been worse and worse, as has my ability to connect with others. Was stood up three times this week, by three separate parties, with no contact to explain why. Beyond that, I just don’t get people anymore, though I don’t know what changed. I don’t understand. A cumulative effect, perhaps.

Yet in missing time with others, my thoughts turned to friendships all the more. Walking home in a gentle misty rain, Jesus’ words echoed in my mind. How many people truly know what it means for someone to lay down their life for them? It’s a fundamental of the Christian faith, but most of us haven’t had a parallel experience in our personal lives, haven’t seen what happens when someone makes the decision and lays it down. Most of us haven’t seen the eyes.

I have.

In that walk tonight, I touched something close to the center of mess that is my history. Reality can be slippery– watching A Beautiful Mind for the first time Friday gave me a good frame of reference. And though I’m not schizophrenic, there are things I understand. So regardless, those eyes are part of my story. I need to remember them.

Maybe tonight with its sidetracks and frustrations was about that walk. As the rain fell on the hood of my jacket, I touched something true. I need to find new ways to walk it out– first in being close to the One who gave that command.

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