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Trying (and failing) to write from the heart

When I write this late, the process is visceral and most likely hard to understand. All I have are feelings and little desire or energy to fully explain or neatly categorize them. It's scattershot, as if the coherence of my day collapses into a puddle of goo when I slow from breakneck speed to the unsettled state that has come to reside where rest ought be.

A random telephone call has resulted in a divine appointment on my calendar for noon Friday. I ask those led to pray to ask the Holy Spirit to be present, opening eyes, unstopping ears, healing wounds, giving wisdom, revealing Christ in truth and glory.

The new copier made Orders of Worship (saddle stitch!) as Nate and I had lunch. A bit of margin is welcome.

The Session pissed me off tonight. If you call me to meet with you at 18:00, more than one of you should show up before 18:15. If the premise for meeting with me is to see how you can support me, don't end by asking me about the one project I've had difficulty completing. And if you want to care for me, don't hand me a note as I'm getting up to leave asking me for information I've already sent to you weeks ago. If you're calling me in to supervise me, however, be honest and be competent.

Community Group took an impromptu jaunt to the Canterbury tonight. Good time, though I felt separate and distant. I am separate and distant. Feeling more awkward and fake by the day when I'm with most others.

How is it that so many of us are so confused about beauty, flaunting and boasting of the worst parts of ourselves even as we run from or try to hide those things that are most truly beautiful?

Comments

I don't know about you but I always trying to hide so much about myself when with others that I can never feel really close to them. Isn't that silly? Like they would have any less to hide. Isn't it interesting that when you do open up to others however, they often don't reciprocate so then you feel like an idiot and vow never to do so again and hence the cycle is perpetuated. I swear human beings just love thwarting the thing that may do them the most good.