Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Stories within stories

I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first. I want to hurl myself into a creative work worthy of God. I want to charge the fields at Banockburn, follow Peter as he followed Christ out onto the sea, pray for my heart's true desire.

—John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

Up good and late (yes, both) last night; up good and early (yes, both) this morning. Victrola is a saner, quieter place in the early hours. Haven't been here then in some time, so this morning was a treat. We decided to rename the pan au chocolát "the croissant of sweet chocolate freedom" in recognition of the war and our ongoing spat with the French. Not the language of love if you can't use it in a fight, though.

Kids say the darndest things sometimes.

Still not sleeping through the night. It's annoying. Perhaps I should find ways to go with it, using time for prayer or Scripture or some other worthy pursuit. I do, sometimes. Most of the time, though, I think, and sometimes even I tire of going over the same territory. My energy and alertness still don't seem to be negatively impacted in any significant way, and that's a blessing.

Getting the chance to practice my brave face.

Something about Jennifer puzzles me, as I mentioned to taci last night. Not sure who I can be with her. She doesn't seem to hide much of anything— that makes us very different. Something in the way she simply trusts God. happy2beso suggested, gently and without assertion, that perhaps I enjoy playing the martyr. Don't know that I could dispute that effectively. The journal makes for an interesting lens, bringing clarity and distortion alike.

As I walked this morning, thought of who I was a year ago. What a difference a year makes. I wish I'd been (let myself be) the man I am today, back then. In time.

Having the day off is a joy, current and anticipated. The rest of the week is full enough that the rest is especially needed. The word for the day is "leisurely" (not "grease," as some have foolishly been led to believe). Catching up on conncections as I can. Will probably finish Wild at Heart and kick some butt (though only my own) at Yahtzee. Loser does the dishes.

I still hear. I never stopped listening to the unsaid things. I don't think I will, either. Fear not.

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
   whom should I fear?
The Lord is the refuge of my life;
   of whom then should I go in dread?

Wait for the Lord; be strong, take courage,
   and wait for the Lord.

—Psalm 27:1, 14

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