December 20th, 2008


Tired of fail

Seriously off the wagon in regard to journalling, which is a real bummer since I'm likely to skip over so much good that's happened in the last week and instead camp out on how I'm feeling now—which is pretty sad. Not that anything terrible has happened, and certainly nothing that could be put in the category of suffering. Rather, it's just a string of failures, most of which can't be helped. I'm just awful at dealing with failure, large or small—I even dream about my failures pretty much every night. Not good.

barlow_girl and I spent a few days in Alabama visiting her family, including quiltlady and pigthatisbig. Lots of goodness in the trip, even—sometimes especially—in the hard times. I'm really proud of how people are choosing to deal with some truly awful stuff, really struggling with how to be faithful and trust God's power, love, and grace without looking away from what's tough. I picked an interesting time to join the family, and there are times I don't know if anyone quite knows what to make of me. That's pretty normal, though, and especially understandable in recent circumstances. Regardless, I know I'm loved, and anything else can grow along the way. There's much bigger stuff to deal with, anyway.

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We're missing out more today—a while back, I booked us on the annual Snow Train to Leavenworth. I'd heard about it a year ago but couldn't make it happen, so I counted down the days until I could buy our tickets for this year, keeping it as a surprise for Amy. Seattle is usually gray and mild at Christmastime, so I thought it'd be a great treat to go to the pseudo-Alpine village there and see their tree lighting in the snow. But now that we have plenty of snow here and threat of a storm that could slam us when we try to get home, it'd be unwise to go—we're the only way the church gets opened on Sunday morning, so getting stranded makes a mess that affects many more people than just us.

So while none of it is a big deal at all, and most everything is out of our control and/or the wisest course we can choose, I'm still feeling pretty sad. Woke up to messages about how great the party was last night, with tickets sitting on my desk for the trip we couldn't go on today (non-refundable, natch), and walked out to see the bus that wasn't supposed to be running drive past me, leaving me to walk as planned, but now with the knowledge that I didn't have to. Oh, and I need to get milk on the way home, because we've been out since yesterday. And tomorrow, no matter what the weather does, we'll be making things happen so others can enjoy, because that's what we do.

At least we got to watch Die Hard.