May 13th, 2005

Radioactive

Limits and online life

Becoming more deliberate in my internet interactions outside my journal. Seems odd to mention it directly, like an actor breaking the fourth wall by speaking to the audience during a scene, but it's piece of my life, a part of my social matrix. In the past, I often haven't been discerning in regard where and how much I invest myself. Since I can only go so many directions at once, however, that kind of wisdom is essential to keep from feeling scattered and empty. Failing to exercise it has contributed to my fear that I will be drained by others, and that fear holds me back in relationships.

Only God can be present everywhere; if I try, I'm being self-idolatrous and unrealistic. Neither does it make sense for me to try to carefully budget my every social resource and manage the lives of others. God will do what He wants in and through me and others, and He's capable of more than I've been willing to believe or allow. Somewhere between the two are limits that are appropriate. It just makes sense to accept that.

That means opting out of some rabbit trails and not looking for online interaction to meet my personal needs. It's scary how much I've let both problems become characteristic of my internet life. And I do think I can continue to give and receive a great deal online—being more intentional will, in some instances, mean more interaction. But when my internet activity leaves me too drained or cynical to engage other parts of my life, or becomes a place where I'm craving some kind of response from others, or if I find myself trying very hard to project or preserve some kind of image, it needs some adjustment. That likely isn't something anyone but me would notice, anyway. And so far, those realizations and subsequent actions have been a help.
  • Current Music
    Teenage Fanclub, "I Need Direction"
Black

Trying to settle down

Disappointed that I couldn't make some hang time with jasonmonster and scillymonster work this afternoon. I'm such a spaz sometimes. Hope they'll be back in the neighborhood soon.

Just made tea and opened the door to get some fresh nighttime air in. Sometimes I just can't seem to get comfortable.

Been craving a trip to Vegas lately.

Really need to write out the rest of my in-process thoughts on Blue Like Jazz soon. I've refrained from reading further until I do, but I want to get back into it.
  • Current Music
    Oracle, "Outerbank"