December 18th, 2004


The goose is getting fat

I'm in the stage where I've given up on getting everything done before I leave for Christmas and am just hoping that I'm getting the right stuff done to keep things from falling apart until I get back. That's not as dramatic as it sounds, but it did have me running like a hamster in a wheel yesterday. Staff dinner was last night, and there's a holiday/engagement party this evening, so I bagged out on having morning prayer and breakfast with Annette, Heather, and Nate this morning. There's only so much of me.

Apparently needed the rest, because I didn't get out of bed until 10:30. That's just crazy. My sleep was fitful, too, and I often felt like I wanted to get up but was being held down. Lately I've awoken with my heart racing as often as not. It's uncomfortable and strange.

Journalling has also been strange. I find myself tempted to write things brighter or darker than they really are, creating some kind of image or character. Some of that is because I'm aware others are reading; some of it is how I want to see myself. It's given me lots of false starts in writing: "Is that really where your heart is?" And honestly, lots of my heart shouldn't be splayed out for all to see.

Peppermint mocha for my morning coffee today. Nancy boy.
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Building an altar

Though I'd like it to be different, my belief in God is often so very limited. My theoretical, theological faith is different than my operational, daily belief. One of the places that's evident is in my lack of prayer. Functionally, I'm not sure if He'll come through even in my best moments, and I'm sure He won't in my worst. There are times, however, when He doesn't leave me with another thing I can do, yet He won't let the burden off of my heart regardless of how I try to distract myself. I'd love to report that in these times, my prayer life grows rich and strong, but even then it is so very feeble.

He came through this time. Unmistakably. So clearly that even I can see and hear; so specifically to my burden that I know He is in this. The countdown has stopped (or at least He hit the snooze bar).

I am in awe, searching for the words to praise Him. They won't be enough.

The road ahead is uncertain, but likely filled with twists and turns, ups and downs. Yet I will build an altar here, in this place and time, as the men of old did, to mark that He was here for me. He has done a mighty thing. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
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