October 1st, 2004

Black

Excuses

Had to fight the urge to justify myself this morning, under the guise of "explaining" and "clarifying." Ultimately I couldn't kid myself about what I was about to do, so I backed off. It was really about me, and about not finding complete justification and security in my identity in Christ. That's such a huge temptation for me, and it gives rise to so much sin in my life. Does what I'm doing/thinking/about to do make sense if God is who He says He is? In other words, do I believe?

This is giving me a lot of trouble relationally, too. Truth is, I think there are a lot of people who claim Christ and Christianity for comfort, but don't really believe. I wonder if I should have more compassion for thoughts and behaviors in others that honestly just creep me out. I'm completely stunned by the breadth of things professing Christians believe are somehow OK. I screw up, constantly. But on the whole, I don't think I'm pretending that my sin is not sin.

The underlying justification for the kind of garbage I'm thinking about? "It makes me feel good/valued/loved." In other words, I get my fix of what I want. Jesus is just another fix and has no authority in my life. I do what I need to do to feel what I want to feel. I don't believe God is who He says He is, even though I can't give up my lip service of believing in Him (because I want to feel what that makes me feel, too). I don't think He'll come through in my life, so I've got my own plan, or I'll make one up as I go along, and I'll sprinkle Him on top like seasoning. To my taste.

I'm both repulsed and convicted.
  • Current Mood
    nauseated nauseated