Horrid mood. No single cause; just lots of straws on this camel's back and an underlying tiredness and frustration with myself, then with others. The "others" part is what comes to mind most easily, but I know better when I stop and take inventory. Tired of everything, and tired of everything being so much work.
Next up is slogging through tidying up the office. It's an absolute pit, and I'm not going to be a lot of good in the way of productivity until I've dealt with some of it.
Can't believe I'm this fed up with a good life and a good job.
Preparing for tomorrow's Community Group, I find myself convicted on a larger scale. We're going through Acts, and one of the main thrusts of the story is that the Holy Spirit is given to the community of believers not simply to change them, but for the greater purpose of continuing Jesus' redemptive ministry in the world. He continues the same ministry He began, in and through His church.
Like all believers, I am intended to bring the light of Christ to the darkness, to bear fragrance of Him in a world full of stench. And like all believers, there are ways I am uniquely created and equipped to fulfill this purpose. I have gifts that are meant to help people. Yet all the time, I'm pulling back. My response to sin in my own life and others' is anger and frustration, not forgiveness. I'm afraid I'll be drained of everything I have rather than trusting Him to be a stream of living water flowing from me and pouring blessing on others. The more I conserve, the less I have. And if God loves me—and He does—I will have continue to have less and less until even the smallest step must be one of faith, because that is the step that matters.
That's not to say I don't need rest or solitude. I'm created to need these, in unique ways, just as my gifts are unique. But when I'm not resting in Him, my rest turns to restlessness and my solitude turns to loneliness. And I pull back farther and farther. I have so very many inauthentic ways of relating with others; the internet can be one at times. Each denies Him. Each holds back His fragrance and light. Still, He is faithful, gentle, and constant, coaxing me out and reminding me who I am. That's the kind of conviction I need, the kind that exposes falsehood and reveals truth.