May 22nd, 2004

Victrola

Over coffee

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you
—Matthew 6:33


When we look at these words of Jesus, we immediately find them to be the most revolutionary that human ears have ever heard. "...seek first the kingdom of God...." Even the most spiritually-minded of us argue the exact opposite, saying, "But I must live; I must make a certain amount of money; I must be clothed; I must be fed." The great concern of our lives is not the kingdom of God but how we are going to take care of ourselves to live. Jesus reversed the order by telling us to get the right relationship with God first, maintaining it as the primary concern of our lives, and never to place our concern on taking care of the other things of life.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (21 May, "Having God's 'Unreasonable' Faith")


I need this to sink into my heart. I need to stop being a rebel and a jerk.

Not a thing scheduled for today. May go check out an apartment in Wallingford later, though the appeal of moving has greatly diminished. I don't know what I want.

Going to get wet walking home. You'd think I'd know better. That applies across the board.
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Black

We're movin' on up...

Signed a lease on the new place, starting 1 June. I can be like that with decisions, particularly financial ones: I will circle around something for ages, but then something strikes me and I make a decision so quickly that it seems out of the blue. So boom—I have a new apartment.

So much to love about it. It has three great things I've always wanted but never had before: a fireplace (gas), a dishwasher, and a washer/dryer. It's a daylight basement with great light, wood beams, lots of meticulous details, an alcove overlooking the backyard, an enclosed front patio with stonework and some garden space, and an open architecture between the living area and sleeping area (it's a half wall rather than a full one). The basement itself is only six years old or so; the house was moved in the early 20th century, and the current owner, a designer and architect, decided to raise it up and build a basement apartment. So it looks old because of the design and attention, but it's all recent construction. It feels like an urban retreat, steps off the Burke Gilman Trail and a couple blocks from Lake Union. The view of the city from the streetcorner is fantastic.

Emotionally, though, I feel pretty down, wiped out, and knotted in my gut. Some of it is just the way I get when I have to lay out a lot of money, some of it is second guessing my decision, some of it is fretting over the logistics of moving and ending my lease, and some of it is totally unrelated to the apartment stuff. It's just a lot to take in and deal with at once; I think I've overwhelmed myself.
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    anxious anxious